FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN
I talked about fear in my introduction on my story and this is where i feel i need to start. I believe that each one of us has been caught up in fear. It's something you can hardly explain where it comes from but all I know my fear started way back in Cyprus. Let me get back and point out when am so convinced that this monster came knocking on my door.
It was back in 2006 that’s when I landed in that beautiful island, Young and naive, With nothing much in my mind. I was quiet thrilled that i was in Abroad together with my relatives. I had a job though my first job in Cyprus was not that satisfying but i was in it for a period of two years and i had enough of it.
I lived in a village named Psematismenos. I was the only African girl in that area, I felt ostracized especially when small kids and young women that drove luxurious cars looked and gazed at me like i was sort of a monument . The worst part of it was that neither did most Cypriots at the village referred to you by name, They always regarded to Africans as "MAVROS". A Greek word means Black. I hated the word! Especially when i would hear most of them insulted using the word such as 'A black devil'. That was something that made me shiver regardless whether it was directed to me or not. I somehow felt as though it was meant to pass on a message to me.
My worst moments came along when the family i lived with, Their daughter -in-law came over for holidays with her 3year old son from United States and hell broke loose. Sometimes I tried to figure out what made the woman act so cruel on me but anyway it was obvious, I was an African! ( Mavros). It got to a point where my boss requested by any chance the lady comes over with her family, I should go to my room till she left. Thanks to God i had a servant quarter, I would lock myself and sleep till the goddess left. There were times i grabbed my pillow and cried a river, There were times i couldn’t take the shit any longer, But my relatives got me going. The thing was that by a year comes to an end, I should have gotten over it ! Which was not the case. This always lasted for a period of consecutive 3 months, That's how long she was around, Damn that woman was a monster! There was nothing i would have done, No one cared about anyone from a third World continent.
Whenever she came over i was not expected to be near her, Probably i would have taken her shitty dollars or i would have scared her son anyway. My fears grew and outweighed on me, I felt unworthy and interacting with people bacame such a huge deal for me, Not because i wanted to stay away from people but by the treatment i went through and again there was no way any of the Cypriot girls would have wanted anything to do with me anyway. What would they have talked with a Mavro? Not with anyone from a dark continent! I was not in their first class neither did i own a mini copper to drive along with them as they headed for a Frappe in a coffee shop.
Ask me for a double faced Woman who can make you feel miserable on this Earth and i'l not hesitate to bring a Greek Cypriot!
This never stopped with my first family to ever work with in Cyprus, But it got even more crazy and dramatic as i started working in Restaurants. There were times i would hand over the Menu's and the Woman would just sit staring at me and telling her Man to pick it up! This moment broke my heart. As it pounded as if it was a train on the tracks, Though there was nothing much i would have done,What was left was to take that shit like i would with a tequila shot and let go, Hoping that tomorrow would be better, But shit never stopped happening and more fear found a place in me but, I later realised that giving way to much to Fear just because of few rotten people that felt they owned the Earth would destroy my life completely.
I tried to cope up and not give more airtime to my fears, Though it was a struggle sometimes but i endured it.
I no longer see the bad side of it, Such kind of a treatment by total strangers who hardly knew me, Hating on me basically because of my skin colour made me strong, That made me learn to show myself some love and i had no time to pity on myself, I no longer found the tears any more, I learnt to face whatever was thrown at me, Although it intrigued fear of the unknown sometimes. I couldn’t tell how the outcome would come to be when pushed to an extent. I learnt way long that people can be crazy as hell and that this was a crazy World, I was either to pick whatever was given to me and move on or i would let fear pile up and do nothing but feel sorry for myself. That's not what i wanted , I had to mature rapidly, Dusted myself and dealt with my own shit as young as I was . I was turning 20 years old by then.
Although I developed this monster i tried way through to fight with it, Sat Down with my own fears of which they certainly took control of me quiet often. Probably was the fear of being gazed at like i was a statue? Probably was the fear of being seen as someone who came out of nowhere? This all gave birth to Lack of Believe, When i mention the lack of believe i mean that i no longer seemed to believe in myself most of the times, I felt as though nothing would work out for me. This is one of the perilous thing that could ever happen to anyone! Not Believing in yourself, God Grief ! This was one of those moments i felt the urge, Going far away where i would never see anyone .But know what i overcame it, I don’t know how, But all I know I became stronger more than ever ,I never cared if someone liked me or not, I became unbothered .
If you are reading this and fighting on the fear of the unknown, let it stick onto your mind that you need to sit along with your fears, Have a word and let the fear know that you appreciate that its now a part of you at that given moment but you will not let it take your Joy, Happiness, Freedom ,Love and kindness. Whatever you are afraid of, Its just a phase, You will concur and win over it .
I worried myself up and my parents always, Especially during my first year in Cyprus .I would call at the middle of the night crying wondering if I should pack my luggage and back to my motherland. The good part was that my parents always gave me their ears and the door was fully opened incase i decided to go back to my Motherland .They were afraid too , Probably something might happen to their daughter. Which is quiet obvious with all parents .Through God's grace I survived it and thats why am writing about it.
This has taken me back to when my daughter came back from school and as i was serving her food, She was like Mummy .."Magda said she don’t like me". I was quiet for a moment then I turned to her. Here are my words.
'' Nat its okey people not to like everyone they come along ,That should never bother you at all
Mummy and Daddy loves you and that’s the kind of love that matters, What other people say about you, Let it be none of your busines. Your business is to love back with gratitude, Now i want you tomorrow when you go to your group and she tells you the same thing, Let her know that you like her ". Okey baby Girl ? My Natalie responded, A big YES with a smile on her face .
I couldn't get over it, I felt it but i didn't want to show her. The funny thing is that the next day the girl repeated the same words to her and her response like i told her" I LIKE YOU" , When she came back home she was like, Mummy I told the girl that I like her . I hi fived her, Then she was like later on the girl joined her they play together. To date they are great friends.
I believe if this was way back in 2006 -2007 i would have reacted differently . My journey has made me wiser and as confidence as hell. If i knew this way long, I would have definitely not cared or fear to interact with the few good people out there due to the fear of not being liked. That's not what i want my kids to go through. I have to take the responsibility of showing them how to love themselves and not care what will be said of them, Or the treatment they would get, That's not going to define whom they are.
I no longer care who likes who and who don't like who, The best part of it is that i overcame this and the same thing, I'l pass on to my kids .
The bible too condemns fear don’t let it take your joy. Chin up and always remember fear will always be part of you, The only thing that matters its how you deal with it. Embrace your fear but don’t let it torn you out. You see the thing i love about this, When am so freaking and diving on the shores of fear , I always got one thing to say to myself Fuck Fear! Fuck it anyway, Then i get on to my business . I don't want anyone to pity on me, All i want it's to hear more people are dealing with this the way it should be .
You want to yell on your fears? OOh yes ! Go ahead but dont let it take over you. Step up and be the Boss . You're reading this out there, I would be glad to hear on how you go about your fears and how they started. We are not here to shame, So kindly feel free to tell me more about it.
Good day to all till next Wednesday for my Part 3 of My Story.