Prisoner of Guilt and Fear
" Guilt is the source of sorrows, The Avenging fiend that follows us behind with
Whips and Stings.'' By Nicholas Rowe
My guilt and fear had always been hard to deal with, They're deadly monsters that can bring along low self esteem diligently
this thing developed and grew in me unknowingly with the disease to please. Not being able to say No or give my piece of mind. I
always pleaded guilty not paying attention to the people surrounding me, Not giving in to others opinion, This Left me feeling as though i was
not a good person, So i would rather hurt myself than hurt anyone which made me live in guilty and fear of betrayal, Little did i know
that not always did i had to suffer to make others feel appreciated. I wasted my time with people that gave out less than they
gave in, I believed that it was my duty to take in what they gave or expected of me. It dint matter whether the shit was good on me
or bad ! I played always the disease to please, Which slowly torned me out.
Never the less did i see it as a disease to please, I thought this how i should have defined friendship, Stupid right? In my world i saw it as
i was obliged to submit to everyone, Playing the "good girl" role . So here i was seen as an easy goer and buying in all the piece of shit that
could be thrown at me, If you needed anyone to baby sit i was right there, If you needed a taxi driver i was way in to rush for you and drop
you wherever you wanted, If you needed any kind of favour, I was right way to offer it, I mean how not to give a hand? Failing to do this
guilt and fear torned me out with the small demons at the back of my mind showing that was unkind.
So what did all this turned out to be? I was ever in the front line to be mis-used and people felt as though, Having declined anything that
was expected of me by them i was nasty, Bitchy and ofcourse One who was somehow lost with no direction. This piled up on me with
the name callings, I started living in sorrows, I felt guilty for not making people happy, Not buying in their opinions or offering help when
they needed me.
This also happened as i made my decision to come over and settle in poland. Everyone gave out their opinions and their 'right thoughts'
as they believed they were right and i was wrong, Of which i never bought anyone's idea, I went by my own rules. Having declined to
take others opinions the guilt came over and left me feeling miserable. I had given way much airtime to the naysayers and
letting them define whom i was. Others thought i was one who wouldn't know which direction to follow. I gave it all a deaf ear and carried on
the guilt and fear within me. It was exhausting and times i couldn't deal with it.
As my day came to leave with my daughter i carried with me the baggage of sorrows, guilt and fear of coming to start all over again and
not knowing what would be awaiting us, In a new place that i barely knew anyone. But still on the other hand this was how i wanted it to be, In a
complete new place where i barely knew anyone, Just myself! Looking back i just clap for being the bad ass and getting my
life on track without anyone's opinions. That Guilt is way gone and glad that i struggled with it and conqured.
There will come a time when you got to walk alone, Make clear decisions and respect your intuition. Let not guilt or fear
stops you or somehow feel stupid for not buying your beloved opinion. You can't just please everyone! Do not feel the guilt of not buying in all sorts
of advice and crap. If anyone cares they should walk along with you, But if you're left all on your own then you'l just need to strongly
believe in yourself with no doubts. Dig deep on your values, Once you get to understand your values, Move on!
You see anyone whose to walk with you on your journey, They should never make you feel Guilty or Fearful, They should be there to support and
not make you feel shame. Not that i don't care what others says but i do weigh what really fits within me, Once i discovered that i will never fit in other
people's ways of their thinking, I decided to go by my own rules and in my own path, Burying the guilt and fear of what might happen.
I was much ready for whatever was to come on my way through my journey, But i didn't let the guilt and fear of being judged rain on me. I decided
to unlock my mind and buried Guilt and the fear that was within me. I concluded that i was no longer defined by what others thought of me.
I stopped giving space to naysayers, I decided to walk my path on my own. I learnt that living with Guilt and fear was just abstracting myself
from seeing the good in me and the achievements that i would have achieved if i obeyed my intuition. It buried my self reliance with always wanting
to buy on people's validations. This shit lived in me till i learnt to lit my own candle.
Its then came to my thoughts that for anyone to live a true life without the shitty Guilt and Fear, One has to grab their key to unlock their true
inner self, Without giving way too much than you receive.
I concluded that i was not going to live with sorrow and let other people's point of view affect how exactly i wanted to ride on with this life.
I picked up my pieces and started living. Being on my own was theraupatic, I was able to focus on my well being. Though this don't just happen
overnight, Hell No! It's through persistance, Lots of courage and believing in yourself. Don't be a victim of the ''disease to please''
You are good enough to do the unthinkable and bloom. Live a bravery life and the disease to please needs a cut! Till thats done Guilt and fear
will always be apart of you. I bet no one wants to live in guilty and fear.
Those little demons in my head always tried to bring about the doubts of taking a full control in my journey, Trying hard to bring confusion on
taking my own path was not right but i had one principle that i had to stick with it. Whatever my heart wanted i was sure to follow and honour
that, Burying the thought of the direction i was following was not perfect timing for me. I had to make a step and move, Walk by Faith.
How would i have known if i was doing the right thing or Not? I had to pass through it for me to learn. Sometimes we complicate things on our
own with the thoughts that whatever one tries to achieve would lead you exactly to your destination. All that you'll go through is there to prepare
you for your up comings. Everything that you going through was meant to be, Dont live in denial and fear, You just need to stay strong and
keep moving. Learn to free your soul with so doing fear and guilt will have no room in you.
Rome was never built in a day, That's what i kept saying to myself as i got over here. Whatever was to come on my way, I was ready for it
I buried the fear and guilt of how people thought of me with my insane move, It could have been insane to others, But it was not my duty to please
anyone , You are either with me or Not.
It will be hard to live life with no guilt and fear without being solitary from time to time. It's then bravery and courage will be born.
I learnt that till i was free from hurting myself to please others, My life would be filled with hell of sorrows, I had to step in bravery and thus kept
reminding myself one of my favourite quotes .
''You cannot live a brave life without disappointing some people. But that's
okey because the people who are truly rooting for your rise will not be
Qoutes to self:
''Once you conquer braverly, Then begins freedom. Freedom to be Authentic,
self reliant and not bothered to please anyone'' By Nina Kimani