Picking Up My Pieces.
My journey on picking up my pieces was not an easy thing to do, It was stressing, Tiring and Exhausting. It somehow drove me
on the route to self hatred and hate towards life. I'll go back in the year 2009 when i became expectant with twins at the age of 21 years. Let me
say, It was shocking and a hand time that kept me worried. How on earth was i going to deal with twins? For real, Like twins at this age?
you know all the thoghts that catch up with a girl in her early pregnancy, Which she had no plans about? That moment you feel
like you were loosing it all, How the hell you going to spill the bean to your parents, Though leaving miles away form them, I still
felt as though i had fucking let them down. Ooh Yeah! Definately that's not what my parents expected of me, Nina being their
first born daughter with her other two younger sisters looking down on her. "It was such a disappointment to my family and most to
my parents''. Those were the voices that were yelling on me at the back of my mind.
Anyone that has gone through an early pregancy can testify, it's insane and a dramatic experience . Good Lord! I screamed one moment in my
bedroom. Not because i din't want to have a kid or kids but fuck, Here i was with all the plans of my life seeing them going down, Like the
way you throw rubbish in a bin, That's what i felt, Like i was sort of going in a messy route. Lord Forgive me, That was the feeling then.
Seeing your friends going back to college, university and here i was looking as bored as fuck and throwing down my spit frequently that had
turned like a norm or a hobby. This was definantely one hell of a path to walk on! My greatest fear was, Fuck! I was becoming a Mother.
It was devastating!
I was scared, I was terrified with no one to open up about it, I din't know if this was how ladies felt at my age as soon as they confirmed their early
pregnancy. Sometimes i imagined this was a dream i needed to wake up on, But sometimes it really hit me hard that this was happening! Luckily this passed
as months went on and i gathered courage to let my family back home know, I was expecting twins. I would say they were quiet excited but definately
there must have been a huge of tension or shock like i would say, Though they were quiet supportive. It came as a shock to me! Thats not what i was
expecting but i was all wrong anyway. My parents were quiet concerned about it, Not like the way i saw it in my thoughts and expected. I definately got relieved
and calmed my horses, It's then i became quiet relaxed about my early pregnancy. It's then i started looking forward to meet my kids.
I got myself a job at a greek tavern where i was working as a waitress and sometime you would find me in the bar, I worked with two other girls
that we were actually of the same age. But as a month passed, One actually confronted me about my pregnancy. Fuck! I suppose i was leaving
in my own wonderland where i thought probably no one would notice, My response was No and went on with my business. Little did i know that was my
last day at work. The bitch raised concerns and i was fired just like that! Like always i went home, Took a hot bath as i was crying though crying did
nothing apart load of shitty headaches that made me feel as though i was stoned. Being strong like always, I decided i was not going to work till way
after my delivery. I lived each day at a time with faith that i would get back to work after i was done.
After that one month with hell of stress , Here i was in my 6th month, Excited and reading all sorts of pregnancy books and preparation to parenting. Till
shit happened and i lost the babies in my 6th months. It was devastating knowing that it was my gynaecologist negligence, But i called it life. There was
nothing much i would have done. I lived with the guilt probably i would have been more keen but i believed in so much with my then, the Gynaecologist .
He barely knew if i was loosing fluid having raised concerns few times, All he said was probably i was peeing on myself due to the weight
of the kids...Haah! But i took his words till it came to me on the 6th of february 2009 that my pregnancy had to be terminated immediately.
I walked up and down in my room wondering if i was dreaming but again i would pinch myself to believe that OOH No! This was me going this Shit. Putting all
the blame on myself. It's at this moment i wished on my own death , Sounds craizy? It's at this moment i wished to sleep and never wake up. I wished for
a deep sleep just like fairy tale story of sleeping beauty. Where i longed to sleep for a hundrend years without waking up. It was my fault!
Those were the words that kept playing at the back of my mind. Those were the only words and sounds that repeatedly kept occurring in my head.
After all was done and went home, It was such a bitter pill to swallow but i had to learn how to live again, The thing is that this don't just happen within a fraction
of a minute, Its a guilt that one lives with for quiet sometime but i learned to pick up my pieces and let go, I learnt that i had to go through self forgiveness and start
living a new life all together. Step by step, day by day. I realised that i had to try as much as i would to bury the thought that i was ever pregnant. Sometimes i woked up
with so much determination that i was to leave back the baggage of blame and live like nothing had happened. Other times it was hard to deal with.
With all the promises that i made to myself after the miscarriage, I decided to bury it and pick my pieces to self forgiveness, healing and letting go. But through this journey
i realised that Forgiving myself was the first ultimate way out.
It's till then i regained the urge of wanting a kid and miracles do happen people, This month of february is the month my daughter was born. Despite how i hated February.
You're reading this and going something of the similar. Whatever it could be let it go, Embrace on picking your pieces and starting a new life, Start living your life all over again.
Like nothing happened. I know it's easier said than done, But it's doable.
But the worst you would do, It's putting the blame on yourself, That will never help, Rather it will just leave you with a crazy humiliation and self hatred.
Step into the process of self forgiveness, day by day and with no time all will be okey.
I survived this so i believe you should as well. It's not going to be an easy task but we can do it. Trust and Believe.
The thing i came to realise putting on blames was never going to bring my twins back. I took it as my own fate that was meant to meet me and like Elizabeth Gilbert
says. "You cannot escape your fate, but you may be very surprised to find that you are capable of facing it, When it comes"
Note to self.
"Self forgiveness and Forgiving is the starting point of a new beginning"
By NINA KIMANI.